I'd Rather Date Tony Soprano

(from the Diary of Mia......)

I had lived in Seattle for nine months and I found myself without any plans on Saturday night. Normally I do not mind spending a weekend night by myself at home. I could write. I could practice my instruments. I had a whole list of movies to rent in an effort to increase my film literacy. I had a few books I had bought and had yet to read.

Okay, maybe I did mind. All my friends had dates. AND it was Halloween weekend. I didn’t want to increase my damn film literacy. I wanted to go out. I wanted human contact, loud bars, and potential debauchery, so I did something I had never done before. I turned to Craig’s List.

Craig and I were not strangers by any means. In fact, I don’t know how people relocated to new cities before Craig’s list. I had used it to buy and sell furniture. I had used it to find an apartment and had even met with a few people from the musician’s ads. But dating? I clicked on the men seeking women section. I perused the ads and encountered a variety of men and their date finding tactics. Some had pictures and some did not. There were shirtless men who were too young for me, and shirtless men who were too flabby and hairy to not be wearing a shirt. There was the self proclaimed King of Cunnilingus. There was the mid life crisis man posing in front of his shiny red porche. There were sappy men seeking “that one special lady” stoned men seeking “a cute 420 girl”, and a SBM seeking a BBW. Amid the descriptions of tongue skill, shaved chests, and sentimental mush I found an ad that somehow appealed to me. I don’t remember exactly what the title was, but it was simple. He was obviously new to town and did not have any expectations of what would happen. This man seemed to be looking for some human contact – a drink and a conversation. He was not neccesarily looking to get married or laid. The fact that he was also 28 was a bonus as well. From going through my old emails I have unearthed the following correspondences. Part of his ad was a list of questions. It seemed like he was trying to weed out women that he did not have anything in common with, or that were simply stupid or culturally illiterate. Of course, maybe he just wanted to see what he was getting into first.

I sent him the following email, including his questions and my answers (note: the use of diminutives and lack of punctuation was his, not mine) :

I wrote:
I was Craig’s listing in an effort to find some Halloween parties and saw your ad. I, as well, don’t really have any plans and am newish to town. Plus I am a big fan of lists. Here are my answers.

1. what’s your sign (yeah, seriously)

Taurus

2. who do you most admire in your family

My great grand-mother who came to the US alone and led a life of great mystery and intrigue for a woman of that time.

3. how do act like them

See above

4. how do you not

Not sure

5. desert island movie

Happiness, directed by Todd Solendz, although watching it repeatedly on a desert island might effect me in a not-so-good way.

6. desert island album

This is tough – I’m a total music geeke, so you’d be lucky to get me down to ten. It would include some early REM, lots of Tom Waits, Boys for Pele.

7. desert island famous/infamous person to hang out with or character from whatever

Not sure.

8. favorite book

Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins

9. Last concert attended

The Decemberists

10. music store I haven’t been to that you’ll take me to

Pass

11. something in Seattle I haven’t enjoyed that you can bring me to

Pass

12. is the end the world here

It’s the end the world as we know it and I feel fine

13. if so was it prewritten or just dumb bad luck

A little of both

14. favorite grocery store

Trader Joe’s

15. favorite ethnic food/type

Indian

16. who is Scooter Libby and why

Scooter (aka Louis) Libby is the person who is at the beginning of this whole chain of revealing the identity of covert agent Valerie Plame that involves Cheny and Rove and some other people’s name who I can not recall. Damn. I wish this had happened a year ago.

17. dog cat both neither

Cat.

18. favorite article of clothing on man and type

I like hats. I mean fedoras – they are really archaic in a good way. I hate baseball hats. Button down shirts are cool – they create a nice line (but not tucked in and certainly not buttoned all the way to the top.) Shorts are super dorky and so are khaki pants. That is my take on fashion for men….but really. Different people look good in different things (except baseball caps).

19. Jesus?

Wow, I took way too long on that last question. What can I say about Jesus? He existed. I find Christians scary.

20. foreign travel

Pass

Since I have just shared all this info w/ you – you need to share the same before I will send you a pic. I am thin and pretty, incase you are wondering. Also please tell me what you are into in general

~E

I sent the email and finished putting away the laundry I had done that afternoon. I check my email and he had replied. This is what he wrote:

So happy you replied! Hey erin, I’m Sam, not to be juvenile but if you are still interested and send a pic then I’ll do the same. Thin and pretty, sweet, well I’m pretty thin, not muscular and I’ve dated pretty girls, it’s what I prefer but some pretty girls don’t give me the time of day. Lately people at work tell me I look like tony hawk…..whatever. I just order a pizza with artichokes and roasted garlic, I’m also having a red hook ipa. I’m on the internet and watching some disneyish movie about a dog that plays fucking baseball…..how lame, it’s killing me, no cable. I really don’t like tv. I don’t have a Halloween party but if you want to go out and cause trouble, I’m game. Even if you don’t think I’m a pretty boy we can be wholesome,. I smoke pot occasionally, I’m trying to quit cigarettes. I write music alone. I’ve moved around a lot. Now I manage a store. Now the answers.

21. what’s your sign (yeah, seriously)

Sagittarius…..I’m really 27, it’s the best sign, I like Taurean girls

22. who do you most admire in your family

My step dad, an artist, an awesome guy

23. how do act like them

I’m not that much like him, but we both love music and the outdoors

24. how do you not

I’m not as soft spoken intelligent, into god

25. desert island movie

the big lebowski or any coen brothers film, I hated garden state btw

26. desert island album

john scofields a go go

27. desert island famous/infamous person to hang out with or character from whatever

steve buscemi, underrated actor, the shit, we’d have fun

28. favorite book

cats cradle by vonnegut

29. Last concert attended

Calexico and iron and wine a week ago

30. music store I haven’t been to that you’ll take me to

i’m new

31. something in Seattle I haven’t enjoyed that you can bring me to

i’m new

32. is the end the world here

quite possibly and it might be god, i’m less and less an atheist every day but still agnostic

33. if so was it prewritten or just dumb bad luck

oops I answered that above

34. favorite grocery store

trader joe’s by far

35. favorite ethnic food/type

i love vegetarian, though i’m not, greek, real Mexican, thai, I obviously don’t have one

36. who is Scooter Libby and why

you’re exactly right, he was in dieted yesterday, first white house official in130 years

37. dog cat both neither

both, more cats but my ex has my cat and I have a dog now

38. favorite article of clothing on man and type

on a man shoes, on a woman probably ummmmm top

39. Jesus?

Jesus was probably cool and misinterpreted for years, still not into jesus

40. foreign travel

I haven’t left north American but I’ve traveled the us well, Jamaica, mexico, west grand cayman, a bunch of Canada.

From his answers we obviously had some things in common. I responded:

Since you also found Garden State to be highly overrated I will send you a pic. You have to send me on too so we can be shallow together – ha ha.

His response:

wow since you’re cute I imagine we’ll hang out tonight! As long as you don’t think im ugly, I posed for one of these pics…..i can send you more.

From his pictures he seemed to be a good looking guy – kind of nerdy, but I like that. He was skinny and wore 50’s frames.

I responded with my phone number and a list of things we could potentially do. There was a show I wanted to go to and a party I had heard about. He called me and it turned out I was a bit ambitious for him. We ended up making plans to meet for drinks at a bar in my neighborhood. It turned out that he was also from Chicago. I was excited. He seemed interesting and it seemed like we had a lot in common. I really did not know what to expect.

This doomed date started with Sam not being able to find any parking in my neighborhood. He ended up calling me when he finally did and it turned out that he had parked rather far away. He was not familiar enough with the neighborhood to find the bar or my apartment on his own, so I told him to just keep walking down the street he was on. I would meet him. With our cell phones we were like two kids with walky talkies. When I turned left and started walking up the hill on Boren Ave I saw a figure approaching and knew it was him. I could tell that he seemed a little more embarrassed about the ridiculousness of the situation that I did. He was also better looking than I thought he would be from his picture.

According to Carrie Bradshaw, of Sex in the City fame, dating is really just a job interview with cocktails. He got our first round of drinks and the interview started. We were at tacky hipster dive bar with faux Polynesian décor. We talked about Chicago. We talked about Seattle. We talked about why we had left one for the other. He had broken up with someone and had moved here for a change of pace. Currently he lived with his sister and her husband on the North Side of town. This was my first fire engine red flag – living with relatives. He lived there for free in exchange for taking care of his nephew some evenings. He kept apologizing for smoking and I kept telling him that I really did not mind. At one point he said. “I just really like girls that smoke”. Red flag two: he did not like that I was not a smoker??? We talked some more. It turned out that he was also a musician. He played guitar and bass and keyboard and was eventually looking to start a band. We talked about music for a long time over our second round. I offered to get the second round, but he insisted on getting it. He said it was on his father. He had a trust fund. That was certainly red flag number three. I can not stand rich boys, especially rich boys who did nothing to deserve their money. I just feel more comfortable dating people in similar situations – people who despite their level of education and intellect, struggled with money. I guess I regarded him as not being Bohemian enough for me. Plus I wanted to pay because at this point I knew we would probably not go out again. I feel like I grew up with a lot of hatred toward women. Women steal men’s souls and force them to breed with us. Women are expensive. I did not want to be expensive, and turn myself in to a character in a future story that ended in, “it was a really bad date and I paid for it”. I let him get the second round though because I do not have a trust fund, or a savings account for that matter. As we neared the bottom of our second round of drinks we started to discuss what to do after. I really wanted to go see some bands. He admitted that he had smoked a lot of pot that day and was feeling a little too mellow for that. He had just rented some DVDs of The Sopranos and wanted to go back to his house and watch them. At this point in my life I had never watched The Sopranos. Of course, he didn’t really want to watch The Sopranos. He was obviously inviting me over to make out. At this point I had decided that he was not someone I would like to date, but he was a pretty boy. A little make out would be nice. I agreed to the plan. This is were this doomed date started quickly getting worse and worse. Oh by the way – red flags four and five – he was a pot head, and he was boring – as in preferring to watch television instead of going to a rock show boring. (Why do these two so often accompany each other?)

His sister’s family was out of town, so we had the house to ourselves. He gave me a little tour and showed me all of his instruments. I asked if I could play his guitar just because I like to try out different guitars. I could tell he did not realize I was as good as I am. I had not mentioned in our conversation earlier that aside from my stupid day job I am also a guitar teacher. I was obviously way better than him and he was clearly intimidated by this. After accidentally making him feel unmanly we went to the kitchen to get some drinks. I made my self a drink with the available ingredients – mango juice and gin. Apparently for him the phrase, “make a drink” actually means “pack a bowl”. We made our way to the living room, drink and smoking bowl in hand, and he put on the DVD. Let the making out begin. This, however, is not what happened. I sat on the couch and instead of sitting next to me he sat on the chair adjacent to the couch!

The DVD had four episodes of The Soprano. By the middle of the first one I could tell this was a show I could definitely get into. I really enjoyed the writing and the whole premise of the show. This is a good thing, because my date had fallen asleep in his chair by the middle of the first episode. Me and my disappointed libido layed down on the couch and watched the second episode. During the third episode he woke up and asked if I was cold. I was indeed. He returned with TWO blankets. He gave one to me and layed down on the floor with the other. He dozed off again. During the fourth episode he farted. A few minutes later he woke up of and said “I had a dream that I farted. Did I?” Not wanting to destroy his illusion that he is a charmer, I told him he did not. After the fourth episode he drove me home, confirming my belief that guys who smoke pot are boring and have unacceptable libidos. This date was my first indication that I had hit an age where suddenly men of the same age were way less mature. No more twenty-something guys from now on, let them have their 23 year old babes who are impressed with bad guitar playing and a poorly stocked liquor cabinet.

If one good thing did come out of this crappy date it was that he introduced me to The Sopranos. What a good show. In the next few months I watched the entire series (or at least the 5 seasons that existed at the time) on DVD. Way better use of my time.